paranoid...

     I was deciding whether or not to blog this but I'm trying to be true so yeah... The day before yesterday, I got the mail and I saw this fairly big package that's for me. No clue what it was but thought maybe it's something from my aunts overseas. I opened it later that evening to find out it's a package of Victoria Secrets stuff worth $230, everything already paid for. Man was I creeped out. It was saying how the package is sent from this name that I don't recognize and my address oO My mom called up customer service to find out it was ordered by a customer in Quebec. I googled the address and postal code later; they didn't match. My parents created all these scenarios to try to explain why this came to be (none of them are comforting). Probably not a lot of people know but when I was a kid I was paranoid of the dark. I always thought that someone's hiding in the dark to kidnap me or like kill me or something (no I didn't watch horror movies so I don't know where I got these ideas from). I made sure all my doors are closed properly and my bed has to be alongside a wall and I curl myself in my blanket so there's no opening (still do that). Then when I grew a bit, I was paranoid that ghosts are there. I don't think my parents even realize I was paranoid. So yeah my paranoid came back that night. I felt terrified of the dark but I don't want to waste energy by keeping a light on (yeah I know I know). I was like having a nervous breakdown. A close friend had someone over that night so wasn't the most convenient to call. So I asked a different friend to call me. I was praying hard in my mind when I was on the phone. I eventually fell asleep thinking someone was there beside me. I don't really recall anything from that phone conversation though.... hope I didn't say anything stupid, apparently I sleep talk (according to family). Engulfed in the feeling of insecurity, I know I was most secured at that point because God was holding on to me.
     This morning I was treated to a cup of coffee by my pastor and we talked for an hour or so. I always knew that I have no control over my life but to really LIVE it like that.... I'm always easily swayed in the sense that I feel very passionate about whatever area I serve/volunteer. And for the longest time, everyone's been telling me that I'm overworking myself and I should let things go. I think it's time I really let things go. I'm just a small part in God's plan whether I'm there or not, if He wills it to happen; it'll happen with or without me. It is my honour and blessing to take part in His plans. For the past year, I haven't really "served" much according to typical mindsets. But God opened up countless opportunities to me to comfort and encourage other people, to just genuinely listen and care for the people around me. Then there's the mission trip to Quebec... according to policy I was not suppose to be in the teens ministry team yet that was the part that impacted me the most from that summer. I think I just realized that the entire past year, it's all been training to prepare me for what's to come. My place is to serve the teens. Now to be able to let go... of my own pride to admit that the commitment I originally made is out of my own selfish desire rather than God's calling and to back out halfway. Some people told me to just hang on until this year's done but I think God is humbling me and asking me to admit my mistake and to reconcile for it. Nothing in my future within the next few years is certain. I'm facing pressure 'cause of it and I'm facing fear and yet right now God has engraved this in my mind: in the mist of your insecurities you are the most secure, don't worry I gotcha.
     Today is exhausting.. woke up at 7:30, just got back home from a meeting and showered (right now it's 11:50). Got calc quiz tomorrow morning. YOU CAN DO IT! I know eh sometimes my attempt to be  enthuisastic is kind of pathetic but hey looking forward to what's going to happen tomorrow.
Something from devo (from yesterday and today):

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. - 2 Timothy 3:16-17 or in New King James Version: ...perfectly equipped and lacking nothing.

Purely amazing. Every verse is filled with the Spirit (How do I know? look back to Genesis 2).  Whether it's the genealogy of the Israelites and its numbers or the specifications of constructing a tabernacle or prophecy of God's wrath and punishment or history of the Israelites or Jesus' teachings; they're all God-breathed. HUGE reminder of just how Holy the Scriptures are, to come before it in awe and honour.

         I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. - 2 Timothy 4:7

Wow, just WOW. Will you be able to say that when your life is coming to an end? Right now, I'm not so sure I can say that but I strive for it. When the day comes, I want God to say to me: "my good and faithful servant."

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing the soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. - Hebrews 4:12-13

 See the night before God already reminded me just how amazing His Word is and now this... The Bible isn't just any book that we read; it's the Book of LIFE, living and active. Man did this verse penetrate into my soul and spirit. Whether we're reading the Bible or not, God knows everything. When I say know, He REALLY knows. There are things that you might not even realize and He  KNOWS. In comparison, I don't know anything about myself but God knows me. He REALLY knows. All that's on my mind, all that's in my heart; whatever the burden/ worry/ fear/ joy/ excitement/ hope... He knows. Sometimes we feel just so insecure but you know what, in the mist of our insecurities... it is then that we are the most secure.