to be at rest...

Posted this on facebook already but yeah. Epic fail... this is how I know when I need a coffee: walked out the door Saturday morning thinking it's so cold... got in the car then I realized that I was still in shorts... T-T
I've been thinking a lot again...
     I read up to chapter 8 in Captivating before lending it to a friend. I'm really questioning how much femininity I have. I get the feeling that I'm so 'masculine' because my grandparents from my dad's side wanted a boy so I was treated like a grandson for the first four years of my life. My dad was the only son in his family and at that time, I was the only grandchild that carried their surname.... no clue but I always felt gravitated towards stuff like Power Rangers and soccer and Pokemon and Ultraman and cars rather than Disney Princess or make-up or something. I do, however, fully understand the desire to be protected even if I'm a protective person in general. I know eh, for those who know me, you're like "what? oO really?" haha. I guess I do have a feminine side after all =O Sometimes I feel like I'm too controlling but at the same time I can't really help it when I feel like there's no one stepping up or even doing anything. AND the book mentioned that there is beauty in every woman which the world NEEDS. The essence of a woman is beauty and her beauty is optimized when at rest; while the essence of a man is meant to be in action. There are times when I think I take on too much. When it hinders my availability to the people I know, to be by their side and share in their life, I feel like throwing away all my commitments. Then again, my involvements are people-oriented too.... Here's another thought from the book: there is a special hatred towards women by Satan. Why? Woman was created to reflect God's beauty, which aroused envy in Satan. Also, woman brings life by giving birth to next generation (life giver) and was created with the purpose of a lifesaver. On the other hand, Satan brings death. Satan has a special kind of hatred for women which is VERY evident if you think about human history from any culture or nation.
     In worship today, there was one song that completely took over my mind. I was thrown into all sorts of memories. The song is called "God of Justice". I remember the first time I heard this song was during church's spring conference back in 2008. That was the first spring conference I attended for at this church and well, it wasn't the best 'first'. I got hit in the eye by a volleyball and sustained a concussion. I thought I'd be okay from the hit because I didn't land on my head or anything and I felt okay. A few hours later though, I started to feel really crappy and made my way back to my room. I don't think I made it all the way there... was too nauseous to stand. Don't know how long it was until someone came across me lying in the hall way and then find my parents and such. They got me an ambulance and I only got a shot of advil because they didn't want me to do so many CT scans at a young age (had another concussion within 2 years of that). I remember being beside two younger girls who had an allergic reaction at the camp. So my family was only in spring conference for one day... apparently I was pretty well-known in church because of that incident -.-'' I really disliked everyone looking at me like a show... I was half carried to my parents' room after being discharged and even the next day. The theme song for that year was "God of Justice" and for the longest time, whenever I heard the song, I'd be filled with the fear and memories and helplessness from that time. I dislike being the reason for someone else's tears. I dislike being the cause of someone's worries. But when I heard this song, this morning, this association with spring conference 2008 was overpowered by missionary experiences, even friends' faces showed up, be they Christian or not.
     When I was listening to the sermon, a sudden realization dawned on me. I felt as if God was showing me that my gift is in nurturing rather than evangelism. I'm going to work at all areas but my gift will probably be the core ministry I'll be serving in.
     A lot of thoughts in one day, I know but I really took this weekend to relax and read up on how to be a godly woman :) I also haven't posted for a few days so it accumulates.