the commence of 'study week'

     I woke up at 8 something this morning from a rather strange dream. Yes, I know I have a lot of strange dreams. In this dream, I kept on fainting all the time... my body would suddenly feel really heavy and I'd 'semi-wake up' from my sleep. Then, I'd get back in my dream and become 'conscious' in the dream. I forgot what it was the doctor diagnosed me with but it was some terminal illness apparently. Somehow, I was able to keep it a secret from almost everyone. Quite strange indeed... I wonder why I had that dream. Makes me think about life and death again. A message to take care of myself more? or...
     Anyway, I feel like I have no life but I know I really need self-discipline. While my friends are having hang-outs or sleeping in 'til 3 in the afternoon... I'm at the school library right now watching econ lectures T_T. I swear I have no life. Last night, I even questioned whether ths school is open during reading week Oo so imagine my surprise when I got to school parking lot and see rows and rows of cars. Never seen any Tim Horton's so lacking of customers, no one lining up... but I think I'm going to avoide coffee until finals, tempting though... I keep yawning. =O I'm so surprised I'm not all that behind in econ, only 4 to watch! =D
     Lately, I've been pondering a lot about what 'kind' of person I am, aside from Christian of course. I can't help but feel selfish and stupid about the things that got me frustrated in the past week or two. I know I always tell people that nothing is small or stupid if your heart feels it. I don't apply my own words... what a hypocrite eh? A week or so ago I feel like a friend of mine was being insensitive but now I think it's just my self-centredness. It's really nothing big but it just nagged at me for the past week.

Something from devo (Revelation 17-19):

For God has put it into their hearts to accomplish his purpose by agreeing to give the beast their power to rule, until God's words are fulfilled. - Revelation 17:17

   My bible side-note explains it as "God uses even evil people to make things happen. In the end, nothing can prevent God's will." We can only trust that God's will is what's best.
     I find reading Revelations so hard. My heart aches and my eyes brim with tears. You ask for God to bring about justice and He does... but can you handle it? If the rapture was now and Christians are withdrew from this world... when the end comes and God pours his wrath on earth. If people you know are still there, how would you feel? Reading all the plagues, the prophecy that is to be...
     I am reminded of the following parable:
   There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man's table. Even the dogs came and licked his sored.
   The time came when the beggar died adn the angles carried him to Abraham's side. The rich man also died and was buried. In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.'
   But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.'
   He answered, 'Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father's house, for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'
   Abraham replied, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.'
   'No, father Abraham,' he said, 'but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.'
   He said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.' - Luke 16:19-31
     This passage constantly moves my heart, day in and day out. We will be separated according to God's judgment. We will see each other regardless of where we will go. The believers (not because we, ourselves are righteous) will be in heaven while everyone else in hell. Even if I offend you, that is a truth. We will forever be separated and no matter how much I want to lessen someone's agony, I will not be able to. I weep everytime I read this parable because I see faces. I see people I know whether they hate me or love me and I see them suffer beyond any pain that any one of us can ever imagine. When I see people cry, I'm already in tears. When it's only for a moment, it feels too long. How can I ever face an eternity of seeing the ones I know in agony and perhaps calling out to me? For my brothers and sisters in Christ who are reading this, right now, there is no great chasm that separates us from the people we know. When it comes time that the great chasm exists, it will be too late... we will no longer be able to do anything for them. Do everything in your power to bring people closer to God. By that, I don't mean shoving the gospel of salvation down people's throats. Your life is your testimony. Persevere and live for Him. This is what keeps me going in trials and temptations, in periods of spiritual dryness, in depression... my life is a testimony to others be it good or bad, whether I'm willing or unwilling. How would it settle if your words/gestures/behaviour caused someone to turn away from God and end up in agony for eternity? Even if they were your 'enemy', even if they wronged you, even if they are 'bad', even if they are 'beyond saving'... is anyone beyond God's grace and forgiveness? There is a 'too late' but not in our life time. When we pass away, then it really is 'too late'...