July 18
I do not know why I feel such unease for the past few days. Unease mixed in with nervousness for the unknown days ahead of me, reminds me of the train ride to Gaspe. Self-hatred, self-pity what burdens to bring with me? I do not deserve this opportunity working alongside amazing people in God's wondrous plan and yet I know this is where I am suppose to be at this point in time. Usually certainty overpowers unease but both are so strong... What can I be? I will be who I've always been, adjusting to tend the changing needs. Perhaps the most important points to keep in mind through the next few weeks are to:
- be myself, selflessly serving
- build relationships
- demonstrate God's love/presence
- bring the church to people and not the people to church
The team discussed about university students feeling shunned at church. Can I start something? Will I start something? Just how far will I go to obey God? I am not Ezekiel. I am not Isaiah. I do not have the courage to immediately respond with 'Here I am' or a simple 'Yes, Lord.' Perhaps this is the change I am to undergo. God empowered, I found the courage to go to Explore alone. God empowered, I found the courage to be here at Urban Promise. God empowered, I found the courage to go to Quebec Short Term Mission next week. What awaits me I do not know but in darkness God will provide light, in indirection God will provide guidance, and in famine God will provide food.
Urban Promise
July 19
The children here are so different from VBS, most of these probably have a learning disability of sort or ADD. Feels like I'm always surrounded by many sisters helping with 5-6 year olds. "D" so casually tells me of his broken family when I ask who's coming to pick him up. "Mommy, daddy were gone, he leave us." And the excitement in their eyes when they think we're helpers from Hong Kong. "S" asked if I knew Spanish which of course I don't!
July 20
What a day!??! "D", "J","J" weren't friends in the morning but forgot all about it in the afternoon. Oh kids! One of the kids asked if I'm white 'cause my skin tone is so pale. I was like no I'm not and said not to look at people by their skin but of course of lil' effect. Another kid asked me why I'm so fat, don't know how to answer that... another kid defended me and said that was mean :] sweet kid. I just didn't know what to respond but was saved by the site director speaking. Two 10 year old guys got into a heated fight and got suspended, rather difficult to feel like suspension is right as it seems like their parents will use physical means of discipline...
July 21
First day that Daniel's here but he's so open to me. He's very quiet and secludes himself from others. He told me he ate lunch already (which I later found out was a lie). I offered to sit with him on the staircase to eat lunch, which he accepted. He told me that his dad always beats him and his dad eats all the fish and he, himself has no fish to eat. Yet he speaks of the kindness from his mom and sister. His sister is protective of him even if it means she takes the rude comments.
July 22
We taught the kids origami (according to their groups), created chinese names for everyone including the leaders (according to the sound/meaning of their names) and taught them how to say it. They're all so excited and happy.
July 23
The theme for the day is "Christmas." I feel bad that I gave "G", "J", "S" time outs and set "G" and "J" to Caramel (site supervisor). Yet I realize it's out of hand and rules need to be enforced. "D" came up to me and said "J" 's not my friend again! haha they're so cute. "J" (a different one) stomped away and hid under the table every time he lost a game. 'I don't like to be beat, I want win.' I try to explain that you can't always win and that it's okay to lose (but I don't know how much of that got through...). After talking with Caramel, "G" said sorry... fighting all the way to the office was worth it. He says that he never gets Christmas presents and was real happy that day.
Overall
The leaders and my mission team worked different chores every day. There was no AC nor fan and man the heat really gets to you sometimes. I remember telling a few of the kids that they shouldn't waste water because there are so many people around the world who don't have water to drink and a lot of them eventually die because of that. Not sure if that got through but I did my part. I found out after that apparently among the leaders I'm very patient with the kids. I'm quite surprised but I guess God was really training up my patience the entire time. I forgot which day but one of the days I had the pleasure of walking kids home. Seeing their neighbourhood, it was rather eye opening. Even in broad day light you could see some adolescent males standing in a shaded corner following us with their eyes. We brought a box of donated food to see if anyone wants them and by the end of it we walked back empty-handed. My heart felt broken.
Quebec Short Term Mission
* now I should apologize ahead of time that I was really tired during this week so I didn't really write daily journal entries... I was in worship, teens, children teams
July 29
Lead worship at the bible school in the morning with our mission team members than another one in the evening at the tend meeting with the natives. The guys in the teens ministry team and I went to a drinking hangout. Someone texted me about it, many drunks were there maybe a few stoned too. "E" told me about her struggles with her family. She wants to join the army but her parents won't let her so for now she's studying cartoon animations. Then there's "L", he was so drunk that he could barely stand and he kept shouting out my name... I must say I feel a bit embarrassed. He didn't remember any of my team members' names but he remembered mine and kept shouting it. Everyone thought he wanted to get even more drunk but he kept saying he didn't want to drink anymore and didn't want to go home. I overheard the location they were moving the drinking to and told one of the local counsellors. Apparently, that's his house and maybe that's why he didn't want to go home.
July 30
I woke up 5 minutes before 9 without a voice and suddenly without a partner. My partner went to the reserves early that morning to do renovation work. Singing the song Still my voice kept cracking and off key. I felt so helpless and tears kept welling up. I kept praying to God for a voice to worship Him... the voice came for Unreserved Love. Late that evening, we were at another drinking part, this time the presence of drugs were evident. A female cousin of "L" came up to me and initiated a conversation 'cause of something I said the night before to "L". I really don't recall saying it but sounds like me: "God will always be waiting..." but she said that she's not ready and opened up her life story of countless rapes first at 6 by her uncle... only her best friends know about this. She turns to drugs and alochol and smoking because she can't face reality and this is the only way she knows how.
July 31
Super Saturday with the kids. Basically its games day: four-coloured softball, niagara ball, ring toss, dog bowl toss, pinball maze, etc. In the evening we hung out with early teens. I also managed to squeeze in a one-to-one time with "K". I walked her home and she talked to me about how she started drinking at 8, drugs at 9 and such. I really don't know what to say but I get the feeling she's testing me to see if I'm judging her or seeing how much I can take. Early in the morning and I mean like 2am or something teens team had a debriefing and there was such fellowship and honesty... I was quite moved.
Aug 1
Lead worship at the tent for the last time. There was a children performance too =) I kind of had this uncontrolled crying during Blessed be Your Name. I was thinking of the teens and the lyrics just hit me. During the long ride back my index finger suddenly cramped and couldn't move but "J" helped me ^-^ so pro.
Overall:
It takes approximately 15 hours to drive from Toronto to the Chibougamau in Northern Quebec. The timing of this mission trip was right after Urban Promise. I finished UP at 5 and got home by 6, finished packing + showered + wolfed down dinner in 2 hours and was at SCAC by 8 in the evening. I was so tired that I was sleeping on the sidewalk like a hobo while everyone was organizing. Everyone there was really caring and were all concerned about my health. God gave me strength, I'm sure of it 'cause I definitely wouldn't have lasted so long without His empowerment. I had the energy to worship in the mornings; practice worship, help prepare children program stuff, meeting for teens, play with the kids in the afternoon; sometimes help with children program, lead worship in the evening; teens/street ministry in to the late nights and early hours of morning. I wasn't suppose to be in teens ministry because I wasn't 18 yet; they made an exception for me. God definitely wanted me to experience what I had... along with the broken church window, stray dogs EVERYWHERE, kids coming and going as they please under broad day light, being bit by a 4 year old. My heart was broken even more than it was from Urban Promise and yet I cherish every moment.
When I got back home at 4am on Aug 2nd, I slept 20 hours in two days.... and made preparations for my own church's VBS (Vacation Bible School) week or so later.
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